Cap News

Obama To Take Scalpels, Sharp Objects Away From Doctors

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama outlined the second phase of his Righteous Indignation Initiative yesterday with plans to remove all cutting implements and other "pointy, stabby objects" from hospitals and doctors' offices. He said such tools can alienate patients and turn doctors into an "occupying force."

"How many Americans are afraid to go to the doctor because they fear they will be cut open like a can of sardines the minute they walk through the door?" said Obama. "We need to integrate doctors into the community, not arm them with weapons used in back alleys."

Image Of Courtney Love Seen On Highway Overpass

POTTAWATTAMIE COUNTY, Iowa (CAP) - On a long stretch of highway east of Omaha, Neb., trucker Rhett Ingram pulled over his rig and hopped out so he could stretch his legs. And what he saw was a stretch for his imagination.

"So I'm shaking hands with the president and I look up and there she is," Ingram told CAP News, "staring down at me like I just stole her stash or something."

It didn't take long for the word to spread about Courtney Love's image on that Route 6 overpass, and soon crowds were reaching the double-digits.

Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn

ATLANTA (CAP) - The Atlanta-based Interplanetary Coalition of Celestial Bodies has announced plans to shut down the planet Saturn by this time next year. Close to 2,500 astronomers are expected to be out of a job at that time.

"We feel the decision to close Saturn is in the best interests of the solar system," said ICCB President Donald Zimmerman. "By closing the one planet, we feel we can avoid any sort of reduction in force with regard to the other planets."

Retailers Disappointed In Earth Day Sales Numbers

FLORIDA CITY (CAP) - As President Obama marked Earth Day by polluting his way down to Everglades National Park, Mark Jenkins meandered through the gathered crowd pushing his metal shopping cart packed to the hilt with mylar balloons in the shape of the Earth, colorful pinwheels with recycling logos stamped on the leaves, and an assortment of glowsticks that could rival the aurora borealis.

Jenkins was hopeful; but nobody was buying.

Todd Bridges Takes 'Willis Monologues' To Broadway

NEW YORK (CAP) - Famed child actor and Diff'rent Strokes star Todd Bridges will launch his one-man show The Willis Monologues on Broadway starting next month. The initial engagement will run two weeks.

The two-hour soliloquy features Bridges waxing poetic about his days as Willis Jackson from that iconic 80s TV sitcom. Producers say the show is unscripted, so every performance is unique.

SJC To Hear Challenge To Affordable Beer Act

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States Supreme Court has agreed to hear arguments on the legality of the Affordable Beer Act, a new regulation designed to ensure low income families have access to the same alcohol options as higher income families.

"For far too long, lower income lushes�have had to suffer through the swill that is Old Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon," said Brent Forrester of the Gentleman's League for Beer on Tap. "They deserve to get drunk on something of higher quality. Something with a head."

Popeyes Chicken Reaching Out To Abandoned Bunnies

ATLANTA (CAP) - The Popeyes Chicken And Biscuits franchise launched a campaign this week to help provide for the scores of rabbits given as gifts for Easter and later abandoned.

"It makes me sad to think that people treat rabbits like disposable pets or as gifts," said Popeyes CEO Cheryl Bachelder. "We feel by offering this option, the rabbits are dealt with humanely and will also make hundreds of our loyal customers happy.

"The fact that we get free stew meat out of it is strictly ancillary," she said.

Study: Most Can Only Name One Peter Frampton Album

INDIANAPOLIS (CAP) - After more than ten albums with Humble Pie, another dozen as a solo artist, and a Grammy back in 2006, nearly two-thirds of Americans over the age of 25 still cannot name more than one Peter Frampton album, a study released yesterday showed.

The National Geographic-Roper Public Affairs Annual Musical Literacy Study paints a dismal picture of the musical knowledge of the most recent graduates of the U.S. education system, although the study did find steadily improving results as respondents approached the age of 49.

Rock And Roll Hall Again Denies Johnny Bravo

NEW YORK (CAP) - They braved the cold of a New York March night to come and stand with the crowd outside the city's famed Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. They chanted their idol's name relentlessly, as sure of their impossible task as they were of his craft, his talent. They call themselves The Marcias, and this night, as on the 20 that have come and gone before, they will go home disappointed.

For on this night, as on the 20 others, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will shun Johnny Bravo.

Coca-Cola, Pepsi To Start Using Less Battery Acid

ATLANTA (CAP) - Coca-Cola and Pepsi are changing a key ingredient to avoid being slapped with a warning label about how their drinks eat through the lining of your stomach into your internal organs.

The new recipe for caramel coloring in the drinks has less sulfur dioxide, which California has added to its list of chemicals that cause, in some cases, almost instantaneous stomach explosions.

But Coca-Cola says there is no health risk to justify the change; instead, they're changing the ingredient "just because."