The Beaverton

Mountain Dew courts evangelical consumers with ‘What Dew would Jesus Do’ campaign

NEW YORK – In what is already being hailed as a novel and innovative attempt to reach out to America’s crucial Evangelical consumer base, PepsiCo subsidiary Mountain Dew has announced a new promotional contest that asks consumers what Dew would have been done by their Lord and saviour Jesus Christ. The three contestant flavours, ‘Mountain […]

I ride my bike with my helmet around my handlebars in case I need to put it on just before I crash

By: Erik Schmidt The exercise, the freedom, the wind in your hair: riding your bike is one of the best things you can do, both for yourself, and for the environment. But it’s important to put safety first. That’s why whenever I hop on my bicycle, I always make sure that I put my helmet […]

5 home remedies to keep that tick firmly embedded in your skin

Got a tick and want to keep it firmly embedded into your skin for a while? Try these 5 home remedies that will help it stay firmly planted. Duct tape That little critter isn’t going anywhere by wrapping it in some sturdy duct tape Super glue Preserve your tick as a permanent feature on your body […]

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Chelsea Manning released from prison, excited for new career as Twitter abuse victim

UNITED STATES – Private Chelsea Elizabeth Manning, who was released from confinement on May 17th following seven years in a military prison, has expressed enthusiasm that she can now pursue her true calling as the most bullied person on the internet. Manning was court-marshalled in 2010 for funnelling 750,000 pages of classified information to Wikileaks, […]

Scandal-plagued senators debate shutting down the Senate opium den

OTTAWA – Following several years worth of lascivious scandals and low approval ratings, the Upper House of Parliament is strongly considering permanently closing their illicit opium den to preemptively protect itself from additional negative press. “As much as I love taking a strong hit of Sweet Lady O, I’m starting to think this opium den […]

Staying on the cutting edge of 2012 trends, The Beaverton launches its own podcast network

TORONTO – The Beaverton, Canada’s hit satirical website turned television show is following through on the commitment it made to always be at the forefront of things that peaked 4-5 years ago, by launching a brand new podcast network. “As everyone in 2011 knows, podcasts are the wave of the future,” said editor-in-chief Luke Gordon […]

World’s last two corporations announce merger worth “all the money”

DOVER, DE – Hammering out a deal that experts estimate to be worth the entirety of Earth’s money supply, the world’s last two corporations have announced that they will be merging into a company called, “MonopoCorp.” The news has sent shares for Landaxium Holdings and Globillcorp Enterprises soaring on the stock market, as the only […]

Honest Ed’s demolition crew rescues 3rd group of lost shoppers this week

TORONTO – crews tasked with clearing the enormous warehouse discount store Honest Ed’s have encountered its third contingent of roaming, disoriented shoppers since Wednesday. Foreman Jim Peters told reporters in a press conference that he was was not surprised to see a few lost shoppers in the first level. “It always happens. People travel to […]

Canadian journalists’ “Appropriation Prize” aims to represent marginalized cultures the way white people imagine them

TORONTO — Several high-profile Canadian journalists pledged money on Thursday night toward an “Appropriation Prize” that would reward white, middle-class journalists for writing about marginalized cultures the way white people imagine them in their minds. The award was innovated by editor of The Writer’s Union of Canada magazine Hal Niedzviecki, who rose above his white middle-class […]

Tim Hortons celebrates Canada 150 by replacing Double-Double with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuple

OAKVILLE, ON – In celebration of Canada’s 150th birthday, Canada’s favourite coffee chain will replace their world famous Double-Doubles with Sesquicentuple-Sesquicentuples for a limited time starting this month. The new beverage contains the same amount of coffee Canadians love, with 150 creams and 150 sugars, and available with collectible special edition 5.2 litre mugs, with […]