A SENSIBLE DISTANCE FROM HOLLYWOOD – The latest song from universally-acknowledged recording artist “Regular Al” Yankovic has middled out at a respectable 23 on the Billboard music charts.
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By Taylor Michaels
The time has come to start questioning whether the so-called “experts” in climate change really know what they’re talking about. Sure, we all want to believe that the world is getting warmer, and all evidence seems to point to that being true. But there’s just one problem: why am I being sued by a woman who slipped on my sidewalk?
You know what they say, kids are either the greatest joy in your life, a constant burden on your spirit, or some combination of both. But no matter how much you love your children, one thing is certain; spending three consecutive days without school or childcare is enough to make you consider faking your own death just to make it to Tuesday.
COLLINGWOOD ON – A report released earlier today by a think tank of local curmudgeons, crabs and cranks has sadly confirmed what many in the curmudgeon community already knew: It’s those damn kids again.
VANCOUVER – Business luminaries the world over have been heaping praise on a new book entitled A Zebra on the Ladder, which is the first ever volume to teach managerial skills and philosophy through the use of metaphor.
MONTREAL – Scientists at McGill University have proven, using psychological studies, genetic research, and MRIs, that human beings could easily just take a chill pill and be generous to all humankind.
“After looking carefully at the human genome we have concluded there is no biological reason that a person needs to, say, shoot up a temple or support the erosion of women’s rights,” said lead researcher Dr. Carrie Pond. “In fact, our research indicates that it would be far easier to, for example, give everyone a big ol’ hug.”
LOS ANGELES – Twentieth Century Fox has begun production on an all white, male reboot of the hit 2016 movie Hidden Figures. The movie, titled simply, Figures, will tell the story of three caucasian men who don’t have to overcome adversity to work at NASA in racially charged 1960s America.
“We see movies about the accomplishments of black women all the time, like the original ‘Hidden Figures,’ for example,” says writer and director Franz Stillman. “Finally, here’s a story about the white men in the foreground.”
OTTAWA – Certain members of the Conservative caucus said they would be willing to support the motion condemning Islamophobia so long as ‘Muslims’ are defined as ‘Jews’, ‘Christians’, or any other religion other than Islam.
OTTAWA – As hospitals and family doctors find themselves increasingly overworked in the winter months, a statement released today by the Canadian Medical Association is imploring musicians and songwriters of all stripes to stop taking up valuable time by consulting their doctors about being in love or having the blues.