The Beaverton

Nation pats itself on the back for only being pretty racist

CANADA – In the lead-up to the inauguration of an openly xenophobic US president, Canada is taking a moment to quietly congratulate itself on only being very .

“Obviously, we’re not as bad as the United States,” said every single person in the country at some point, holding themselves to the most dismal possible standard. “So we’ve got that going for us.”

5 ways to fool your family into thinking you’re doing something with your life

Sometimes it’s difficult to make things happen. If you’re a millennial throwing your away on technology, social media conversations, and a dream that you will one day be able to own a house, being productive is a challenge. Luckily, looking productive can be easy if you’re ready to take charge, rise to the occasion and fake it with all your heart.

Local 26 year-old thought more about croissants than own parents this week

VANCOUVER – As he took stock of his week on Saturday afternoon, local 26 year-old Kyle Allen realized that he had spent more time thinking about croissants than about the two people who conceived and raised him.

“Well, what do you know? I would’ve thought it would be the other way around,” said Allen, enjoying a late brunch. “I’ll have to apologize for that when I email them next month.”

Anyone local man disagrees with considered ‘mainstream media’

HALIBURTON, ON – Whether it be a public broadcaster, a crowdfunded investigative journalist’s website, a local news station, or a privately-owned newspaper of note, any source local man Brent Jacinzki disagrees with is part of a vast conspiracy to stifle conservative thought.

“Lamestream at it again,” said Jacinzki in the comments section of a ‘theweathernetwork.com’ article about cold fronts in the Maritimes. “Wish I was surprised.”