The Beaverton

Editorial: If Global Warming is real then why am I being sued by a woman who slipped on my sidewalk?

By Taylor Michaels

The time has come to start questioning whether the so-called “experts” in climate change really know what they’re talking about. Sure, we all want to believe that the world is getting warmer, and all evidence seems to point to that being true. But there’s just one problem: why am I being sued by a woman who slipped on my sidewalk?

Scientists confirm we could just, like, be kind and love each other

MONTREAL – Scientists at McGill University have proven, using psychological studies, genetic research, and MRIs, that human beings could easily just take a chill pill and be generous to all humankind.

“After looking carefully at the human genome we have concluded there is no biological reason that a person needs to, say, shoot up a temple or support the erosion of women’s rights,” said lead researcher Dr. Carrie Pond. “In fact, our research indicates that it would be far easier to, for example, give everyone a big ol’ hug.”

All-white, all-male reboot of “Hidden Figures” in the works

LOS ANGELES – Twentieth Century Fox has begun production on an all white, male reboot of the hit 2016 movie Hidden Figures. The movie, titled simply, Figures, will tell the story of three caucasian men who don’t have to overcome adversity to work at NASA in racially charged 1960s America.

“We see movies about the accomplishments of black women all the time, like the original ‘Hidden Figures,’ for example,” says writer and director Franz Stillman. “Finally, here’s a story about the white men in the foreground.”

Nation’s doctors demand musicians stop consulting them about love, having blues

OTTAWA – As hospitals and family doctors find themselves increasingly overworked in the winter months, a statement released today by the Canadian Medical Association is imploring musicians and songwriters of all stripes to stop taking up valuable time by consulting their doctors about being in love or having the blues.