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Obama To Take Scalpels, Sharp Objects Away From Doctors

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Thu, 21 May 2015 07:18:41 EDT

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama outlined the second phase of his Righteous Indignation Initiative yesterday with plans to remove all cutting implements and other "pointy, stabby objects" from hospitals and doctors' offices. He said such tools can alienate patients and turn doctors into an "occupying force."

"How many Americans are afraid to go to the doctor because they fear they will be cut open like a can of sardines the minute they walk through the door?" said Obama. "We need to integrate doctors into the community, not arm them with weapons used in back alleys."

Obama said he understands that such drastic changes to a millennia of medical practice may take some getting used to but he knows "American doctors are up to the challenge." He pointed to advances in holistic medicine as a factor in his decision.

"The fact that it will also drastically cut healthcare costs is ancillary," he added. "But removing the phrase going under the knife from our lexicon is not."

New guidelines are due out next month in which the American Medical Association replaces all surgical procedures with recommendations to "just put some salve on it" as well as undertake preventative measures with a rigorous regimen of ginkgo biloba.