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5 ways to fool your family into thinking you’re doing something with your life
Tue, 10 Jan 2017 18:06:52 +0000
Sometimes it’s difficult to make things happen. If you’re a millennial throwing your life away on technology, social media conversations, and a dream that you will one day be able to own a house, being productive is a challenge. Luckily, looking productive can be easy if you’re ready to take charge, rise to the occasion and fake it with all your heart. Here are five ways to fool your family into thinking that you’re doing something with your life.
1. Keep an organizer and fill it
Organized people have organizers. You’ll need to fill it with sticky notes of appointments that productive people might have. Go through and meticulously pen a life that would make your parents proud. And make sure each date and event is consistent. That way your parents will see it on the table and think that you’re extremely popular when they snoop through it. You can never break the illusion.
2. Get a secretary
Once you’ve graduated from having an organizer and want to step up the illusion that you’re important and busy. It’s time to hire someone to do all of that for you. Get them to arrange meetings, appointments, and lunches with important sounding people who may, or may not, exist. This way, you will appear so busy that your family won’t even think you for sure ate crackers for dinner and never actually left the house. But pay your secretary well. You’ll need to give them benefits too if you want someone you can trust to keep your secret. If you can’t afford that, getting an unpaid intern will work in a pinch.
3. Create convincing cardboard cut-outs of other humans to “interact with”
But you can’t just seem to work. You also need to seem to have an enviable love life and social calendar. This is especially important if you haven’t actually dated anyone since Obama became President. Get life-like cardboard cutouts of attractive men and women and stage photos of your glamorous everyday living. Schedule an intricate program of social media posts detailing your jet-setting life with your high-status, wealthy and gorgeous romantic partners and your down-to-Earth, slightly-less-attractive-than-you-to-make-you-seem-more-attractive friends. The trick is to get these all professionally made, and you’ll need dozens of them. You don’t want anyone suspecting. Alternatively, Photoshop can work on a budget.
4. Buy a FitBit
Everyone knows that only the most important people who do lots of neat things with their lives have FitBits. It tracks your healthy, athletic lifestyle that you aim to simulate. But don’t worry, there’s no need for any actual effort here. Simply tie it to your dad’s car for the appearance of an intense cardio session or shake it repeatedly for that “I just came back from a Salsa class” data. Then publicize your progress online. No one will be the wiser.
5. Start telling everyone you’re a doctor
If you really want respect, there’s only one job title you’ll need to appropriate. It’s time to start calling yourself a doctor. It’s one thing to just start doing this at parties, but if you really want to fool your family, well then, there are some easy step you have to take. First, you’ll need to appear to be studying for the MCAT and have a party when you’re apparently accepted into medical school. After a few years of “attending”, fake some authentic looking grad photos and diplomas. Then, you’re going to want to land an actual good residency at a prestigious hospital. That way, it won’t be so crazy when you finally start telling people that you’re assistant chief oncologist at Princess Margaret Hospital. Trust me, it will all be worth it just to hear your family call you “Doctor”.
Remember, this is your life, so do it your way. Follow these easy suggestions and in no time, your parents will stop crying about your inability to be a productive member of society and start giving you all of the props and high fives you appear to deserve.
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